Letter to my Baby Girl

You and I are officially now in the homestretch, Baby Girl.  As I keep saying to everyone, "it's about to get real."  We are finally in our 9th month and as we make our way towards the end of this journey together, I can’t help but think about how different and wonderful things are going to be in a few short weeks.  I can honestly say that I have loved being pregnant with you and I'm going to genuinely miss it.  I love being able to feel you move and stretch when no one else can.  Confession: I kept it a secret from your Dad for the first few days that I was feeling you move because I liked that we had our own secret connection going on.  A few weeks ago, your Aunt Sarah asked if she could rub my belly because she missed hers.  I was glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks about missing the "baby belly."  With that said, I can't wait to meet you.  I keep thinking about that first moment when we meet and wondering what you will look like.  For the record, I did put in a "request" for you to get your Dad's nose because it really is a nice nose and I think you would prefer it to mine.  When I picture you, I see blonde curls and blue eyes.  When I told your Dad this, he laughed and said that our record so far with guessing isn't so good because we thought you were a boy at first.  Oops.  I'll guess we will just have to wait & see.    

I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of him 

- 1 Samuel 1:27

Baby Girl, your Dad and I have wanted you for so long.  Becoming your Mom is going to be the most amazing accomplishment of my life.  It's something I have been working on for 30 years.  For so many years, I thought I had a broken belly.  I have learned to accept my broken belly and embrace all the broken belly "remedies" and broken belly "repair men/women" that have made becoming a mommy a reality.  I used to think that you get married, decide to have a baby, and get pregnant.  Yes, naive doesn't begin to describe that line of thinking.  Our journey to become parents started shortly getting married in September 2007.  Hard to believe that it took 5 years for that to become a reality.  My "infertility resume' " is longer than my professional resume' listing every single test, medication, treatment, procedure, surgery, and physician that I have seen over the years.  I think I could fill an olympic-size swimming pool with the tears that I have cried every time that something didn't work or when we had to hear "bad" news.  It's because of this long journey that I have appreciated every moment with you so far and will be forever grateful to have you in my life.  Fair warning - your Mom is dramatic, anxious at times, and somewhat superstitious.  I have worn a fertility bracelet everyday since February 2011, had an African fertility doll by my bedside until 20 weeks, and have worn a St. Gerard charm everyday since the first day I had an IVF procedure.  I truly believe that every little bit helps - bring on any good baby juju!  At this point, I can truly say that I believe that "Life is a Gift" and so are you. 

Every good and perfect gift is from above - James 1:17

I will never forget that moment when you first appeared on the blue screen as a little embryo.  At that moment, I smiled from ear to ear and my heart swelled.  It was unlike any experience that I had ever had before.  Your Dad and I would both look at that first photo those first few weeks and catch ourselves smiling.  I still look at that first photo from time to time because I never want to forget that feeling.  It feels like just yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant, but I have changed so much since that day.  Not only has my stomach gotten bigger (and a few other things too), but my heart has too.  I'm like the Grinch who stole Christmas - my heart has grown 10 times if not more simply because I knew you were there.  Because of all that we have gone through to get you here, my whole perspective on life has changed.  There were times during this pregnancy that I felt guilty for complaining about not feeling well or having a certain ache or pain because I didn't want anyone to think that I didn't appreciate the miracle growing inside me.  I now know that that is crazy talk but it was a real struggle.  Because of you, I now have a different outlook on what it means to love your partner, be a friend, be a support system, and be a parent.  The love that I have for your Dad has changed so much over the past year that there really are no words to describe it.  You will learn quickly how amazing he is and will love him just as much.  As your Mom, I've come to anticipate your movements or most active times and look forward to them.  I know that you like milk - ice cold and with chocolate syrup if we have it.  I know you prefer Italian food over Mexican food - courtesy of your Dad.  I know you like you Dad's voice and don't mind Piper's whining or barking.  I know you will be a night owl like me because you are the most active when I'm trying to wind down at night. This may all be in my head but I know you.  

Thank you for holding on tight, for not making me too sick or too fat, for moving around and being active, for being head down, and for making me the happiest I've ever been in my life.  Hang in there baby girl and enjoy these last few weeks of being the Elli in my belly.  We can't wait to meet you Eloise Joy Kalins!